if this week's events in iraq have taught me anything, it's that when pulling out, always expect a mess...
Awkward medical moment of the day: A very obese girl with a disorder that literally makes her hit herself punched herself in the face. Literally. While screaming 'MCDONALDS MONEY'. Right. Beside. Me.
u know whats better than using ur vibrator? using it w/ jeopardy on in the background and half moaning the correct final jeopardy question. yeah that just happened.
the best job he will get is a sex ed teacher in alabama
It's now 3:30 and the guy I went home with is showering me with shredded cheese. Nbd.
If you spent as much time trying to get laid as you do masturbating you would surpass all of us.
The creepiest man is serenading me at the bar right now. I had about a quarter of a drink left and the bartender just walked over and filled it with vodka and walked away laughing.
I fell asleep while studying last night and woke up smelling like whiskey and sex... words can not describe how confused I am
Yeah we do. It needs to be like a good penis- long, substancial, and able to make people cry.
She's been with the dude for a week saying she's in love. Yeah so am I. I just opened this beer 5 minutes ago and I LOVE IT ALREADY.
I encourage you to ignore feeling. Drinking more helps
In Punta Cana for my bachelor trip, hopefully tomorrow my passport is blacklisted
You know you're an adult when you start planning your hookup a week in advance
Oh. My. God. It is NOT okay to drink Johnny Walker when there is no Jameson. My skull is eating my brain.
There are some people who should not be trusted with a cell phone while drunk. You know your one of them when you call the cops on your own party.
Randomize
