my mom just informed me my dog smells like cum
I can't believe he cheated
Whatever. Anytime she has an orgasm, it's because I taught him how
my mom just asked me why she found a half-eaten burrito in the hamper
Is there any way to un-invite somebody to a wedding? I just checked out the other family, and I can't have a cockblock there.
At the hospital. Forgot we locked Eric out of the house last night as a joke. Hypothermia's a bitch.
Turns out my drunken logic and wordsmithing isn't quite the same as the sober version. I'm pretty sure I made fun of the managers mom at one point
When he left he said something to the effect of "well now that I've been used..." I think he may be on to me.
It's kind of awesome I can smoke with my parents and tell them about thetime we used listerine in that bong
Omg. We have to workout today. I just looked at myself in the mirror and thanked a god I don't believe in for drunken boys and dark rooms.
So there I was, eye fucking the waiter and I spilled beer all down my boobs
The fact that I bookended my summer with pregnancy scares doesn't upset me. The fact that he's a trombone major does...
If you need me I'll be getting drunk in a chewbacca onsie like a real adult.
Great, now even dream!me is a drunken borderline mess.
It's Friday you fucking nerd of course I'm drunk.
Oh. My. God. I. Am. Going. To. Punch. Someone. In. The. Face. Immediately.
Randomize
