I drank like a thousand beers last night and my poo is solid, not gross like usual. I think this means I've grown up.
I just found out the FDA voted to ban Vicodin, my last connection to this world has been destroyed
I cant believe that bitch gave me herpes. she said those bumps were just a part of the natural landscape
wait, did she really refer to her vagina as a landscape?
why are you more concerned about her word choice than the fact that I HAVE FUCKING HERPES
the cool security guard showed me the video clip of how i sat criss-cross-applesauce on the elevator for 20 minutes last night
Nothing kills the mood when I am hooking up on the dance floor like the DJ saying Happy Valentines.
I just saw a group of 50+ year old women all wearing shirts that said "drink up, bitches" ...please tell me that can be us some day.
guy just got out of the car at the drive in and told his girlfriend "fuck you and your taco" and walked off
It's that "make a Pringle and Twinkie sandwich" kind of depression.
FYI: telling a guy his dick is more impressive than you remembered it - they don't take it as a compliment.
It was incredible. For as long as I live, I will gladly drop whatever I'm doing and spend a night with her face between my legs ANY time she asks.
I am decidedly straight, but I'll write it into my wedding vows if I have to.
First sunburned tits of the season. And it's only April... I feel like it's going to be a good summer.
I have bite marks all over my ass. Is that an acceptable excuse for missing class?
Let's be honest I'm gonna watch murder she wrote and eat taquitos at three am
I just can't have sex in the car again. it's just too much
See I just want a dick that I don`t have to deal with or talk to unless it is inside me. Is that so much to ask for?
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