Kicked off drink for Jesus month by puking in my mouth while talking to my priest...real cool
You're the end to all my bad dreams.
Did you have that reoccuring dream about me banging your mom again?
i have a girlfriend
if you're drunk do you have a girlfriend?
no
We need to start having sex underwater more often.
Let's just say for some reason we thought it was okay to make a burrito smoothie.
Turned the water balloon filler into a jungle juice fire extinguisher. Please call me tomorrow afternoon and make sure that i'm still alive.
She deep throated me and when I woke up she made me pizza. I was full of emotions I started to cry.
I got written up at work for smelling like sex and vodka. Still not sure how they put that into professional terms.
Hey my results were negative. Your chlamydia train stops here. Happy hunting!
Let me refresh your memory. New Year's Eve in the back of my car you grabbed my hand and said feel my tumor on my butthole and at that moment I swear we were infinite
I feel like my nipples were chewed on by alligators.
I'm closer to stabbing a fork in my neck than finishing this resume.
Someone keeps hanging up bible verse posters in the bathroom stall I masturbate in at work.
I'm going to blow a ton of money on sex toys just so I can tell you to do better than them.
How do you explain to your parents that you can't go to the library because you got banned for being drunk in there... on a Sunday afternoon?
That's $100,000 of quality education right there.
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