She wouldn't stop telling me the story of the penis and how she got laid.
Opportunity cost of getting to econ after a night on the town > marginal benefit of attending class
I just masturbated mid-day, thinking of you
I think that is one of the most romantic things I have ever heard from a fuck buddy on v-day, there is a strong possibility that you will soon be my girlfriend.
We had to put his head at the bottom of the driveway so the puke would run down. Now he's sleeping outside.
Two words. Shotgunning Cognac.
This has already gotten way out of hand
Maybe he meant to say like I love fucking you? But just forgot the fucking part.. That's what I'm telling myself.
I cooked you Mac and cheese when I was drunk and drugged. That counts for about 4 meals. Try harder
We invited our waitress tonight to come too.... we told her she had lightning in her veins and in return she taught us a Texas Roadhouse dance so the logical next step was invite her to a kegger.
which guy lost his keys in my bed this weekend?
Everyone was hooking up and I was just by myself rolling around in the grass at one point ... Which I am allergic to.
Well that was the first and last time I've had to write "divorce party" on a request time off form. I'm throwing it for my mom. What is my life turning into.
I just dumped the bloody coke bill into the tip jar while getting my hangover coffee. I'm literally going to hell.
I see your boobs were ready to greet the new year.
What are you gunna do with your life today
put it back together
I have so much to do, no motivation, and Harry Potter is on. You KNOW whats taking priority in my life right now
Randomize
