I want to give you a handjob with my mouth.
Shaq going to Cleveland; Vince Carter to the Magic; Michael Jackson, Farrah Fawcett, and Ed McMahon die.... ARMAGEDDON IS UPON US!!!!!
how to cook rice: 1. put random amount of rice and water in a pot 2. have sex on the kitchen floor. when you are done having sex the rice is ready
a girl just told me i should have been born earlier in the alphabet
Hey they cleaned all the blood out of the elevator. Also could you pick up some nachos?
Last time I saw him the sun was coming up and he was asleep in the student wellness parking lot. For some reason people were peeing on him.
Well we're gonna drink when we get home and I just invited the cab driver to play beer pong
I wiped my mouth this morning with a pine tree branch after I threw up on the side of the road. Tis the season
Need. Hospital. Physically am floating.
I drunkenly transformed into shehulk last night and lifted every single guy off the ground bc one guy told me that there was no way I was strong enough. Don't worry, I proved them wrong. Stupid stereotypical men.
Are you 5:30 blackout again?
He plays D&D and his dick should be carved out of marble. I think I'm in love.
Hard not to be concerned when you call me, tell me you've discovered the secret to flying, vomit, then hang up the phone. So yes, I'm coming to pick you up.
OF COURSE I FUCKED HIM! Did you not read the part about him having red and green Christmas condoms?
Hey how're your balls?
Don't ever let me helicopter again.
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