I got into an eating contest with Christina. I ate 6 oranges.
Why? Who won?
we don't know. we ran out of oranges.
At least I can take solace in the fact that with 8 billion some odd people in the world, at least one of them is shitting in their own car right now.
I feel like vodka or no vodka, you'd still be trying to button your cat into your comforter
You'll be happy to know that I did indeed fracture my rib in a sex related injury
Handcuffed. To. Steering. Wheel. Fuck.
This is the first time since last march I'm gonna be going to a class for more reasons than wanting to bone the girl sitting next to me.
I demand visitation hours with the duck.
I'm sick of being the only unemployed member of the group. Doing things alone isn't partying. Its sad.
The length of my leg hair is a constant reminder of how long it's been since I even thought I had a chance of getting laid.
Just left a strip club where they let me on stage to teach them tricks. Time of my life!
2014 decided to stick it to me one last time. Right up the ass.
Had the weirdest dream last night. If you're ever in Texas, do not come over with a 12 pack as a bribe and ask for a threeway between you, me, and my TA. I will take the beer though.
You're like the Miss Manners of anonymous gay sex.
I am convinced you could sleep through the apocalypse and only wake up because youre hungry & want Dominoes
i told him the only way i'd fuck him was if he saved me during the zombie apocolypse and took me to a tastefully decorated yet impenetrable hideout.
Randomize
