We found an eightball on the ground last night. I mean, really, who does that?
Just passed an anti-circumcision dude with a sign. Handing-out-bibles guy has been officially one-upped.
I just want you to know the floor between our rooms isnt sound proof "Captain Cock"
All he wants to do is masturbate while I sit there with my big toe up his ass that is not even the worst part of it.
I feel like this has turned into my work. But if I get paid sitting under a desk, that's perfectly fine with me.
He just got here and all he's wearing is a cloth over his penis.
I'll uninvite my mom
The drunk fake out is her specialty. She'll agree to come with us and two seconds later we check to make sure she's still there and we see her booking it down the hall in the opposite direction.
It's been two dates and she just invited me to her aunts funeral. I can't even. Who the fuck does that? I need to drink I'm coming to get you in 5
Well.. If you trust a test that only costs a dollar, I'm not pregnant
I swear to god....if you can give yourself a brazilian you can take a fucking bullet
It's not safe here. I had urgent and violent diarrhea last night, and I got blackout drunk. Please don't come over.
He made me chicken tenders and margaritas in preparation for me to take a pregnancy test at his place later tonight. Like...seriously.
I just sucked dick on a ferry
I attempted to walk home at 5:30 this morning cuz i was mad at him cuz he didn't want to cuddle and didn't have pizza. I got 3 houses down n fell over.
There is a sex dungeon behind the wine cellar. This is why I hate showing foreclosures.
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