Honey, If i waited till marriage I wouldnt know what a dick tasted like.
Ughh on my way to the bathroom now... literally just puked on myself and cleaned it off with a hot dog bun... I love tailgate
She got all mad because she said it was "unprofessional" to tell my manager to go fist herself.
I'm doing shots of crown out of a baby bottle. My friends are sensational parents.
I was the last girl at the bar last night. It was like a battle royale between 10 guys.
Where are you and who are these girls passed out on the floor?
and why are they spooning a flamingo?
they traded weed for a spot on our floor. be nice.
your ex girlfriend just barged in my house, drunk, mumbled something about "car strip", and put a huge hole in my drywall with her head.
We're at the hospital. She got a head rush and fell and now blood everywhere. Smoke the rest, just save her a bowl
You were buying shots for everyone, saying, "I got a tax refund. I'm a MILLIONAIRE."
Can I just say I love that you have a kegorator on your wedding registry?
No man. Everyone needs to shit off a roof, at least once.
But the Super Mario beer pong table is more than appropriate.
After last night, I think I need a service animal to monitor the life choices I make when I'm inebriated. A monkey, or a clever dog. Or a really assertive parrot.
Will u make me a "6 month anniversary of being single" cake??? I wanna celebrate
Rough birthday weekend. Eating McDonalds in the shower and used a fifth of sky as a pillow last night
Randomize
