people and things i regret. that's what i want to do tonight.
At some point last night I thought pissing in a bottle was an awesome idea when I woke up a little piss was actually in the bottle a lot was on my TV remote
you went into starbucks asked for a mocha "on the rocks"
U have to come, I miss the sound of you throwing up.
I wanna introduce you to my balls, Thunder and Lightning.
He just grabbed my boob and justified it by saying "I just wanna feel your heart beat"
To be clear, the next time I wake up with your dick inside me, I will reach down and grab one and squeeze until it pops like a grape. You've been warned.
Ran out of eye drops right after putting them in one eye. Half baked at work.
Dude she smelled like bar-b-que sauce. I can't think of anything better.
You do it and I'll burn these mermaid pants so help me God.
Why was I so drunk last night that I licked the bar and then the bartenders face? Why didn't you stop me? We can never go back there.
Is it bad if I look at someone i dont know and just want to punch them in the face?
well, shes hot as hell, but she does keep saying she's the president of the loch ness monster's fan club, so that's kinda a red flag...
He had a small dick and screamed "I will kill you if you don't get hard" to it in German...awkward time to have to explain I speak German too...
This is why you need to stop sleeping with freshmen.
I kept my extra Molly pill in my wallet in the change part, that's also where I keep my body jewelry while I'm working. The nose ring punctured the pill essentially coating itself in MDMA. My nose ring is back in my nose. This could be entertaining
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