i just walked with a girl who was carrying a chair down the street. apparently she got mad at the bartender and took the bar stool when she left.
At dinner I grabbed his hand and he screamed "mom she just grabbed my penis" the proceeded to shove my hand down his pants! Hello Mr.Dick!
I wish you had a penis so you could experience peeing out the window in front of a crowd of people leaving parties.
his eyes are fucked up, he bumped into the cabinet while standing in my office, and he's pounding chicken soup, and he must have chewed on 8 pieces of gum before he got here.
Do you think I threw out my left shoulder during the keg stand or the stripper pole? It's medically relevant my chiropractor wants to know.
You have ruined sex with him for me. Now all I think is "boy scout" and I want to go home
He said the pain stops when I get my shit together and stop being a drugged out alcoholic mess. Could have just said no.
An old white couple caught us smoking the foot long. THE LOOK ON THEIR FACES.
im mad at you for telling me he ejaculated during "let it go." Thanks for ruining the song forever.
The difference in our lives is summed up perfectly in that you woke up next to a 6'4" guy with an accent and I woke up next to an unwrapped piece of string cheese.
woke with Taco Bell next to me in bed and people's shoe sizes written on my arm.
I may or may not be sitting in a bubble bath drinking wine, watching Jurassic park, and wearing a Russian fur hat.
The medical term is prolapsed anal walls if you want to look into it with dignity.
If my life today were a movie the subtitle would be: Revenge of the Beer Shits
my underwear is inside out , I have a giant hickie. I'm wearing last nights makeup. this is going to be the best day at work ever
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