Fantastic night. drank beer from a wine bottle, danced on a van, chased a llama, and fell from a fence
this girl and her friend just showed up at my house. standing together, theylook exactly like the number 10. this has cockblock written alllllll over it.
halfway through eating me out he goes 'oh that reminds me i have to buy fish for good friday'
Just had a flashback of you announcing "your nipples aren't that big for the size of your boobs, I've seen them"
Last thing I remember was you straddling a guy in a wheelchair on the dance floor.
Well there's nothing more unattractive them a naked, soft man crying
Oh good your over him
Well it's official... The first guy I ever gave head to now holds 2 world records. Should I text him asking if I can try and break my record?
My teacher just let our class out 30 minutes early, its a 50 minute class. He said the only thing we had to do was get fucked up tonight and have stories about it on Monday.
Hung over and there is no way in the world I can make this mess look good today. Only solution is to stay drunk.
I heard you shushing me, but my screaming orgasm drowned it out.
when I die covered in cocaine, hookers, and tequila at 73 years old just remember that I once had a tweet with that many retweets
What guy invites over a booty call, gets all naked and then when the real fun begins and a condom is needed, claims to not have one? And wears socks THE entire time?
How does a face ride mean we're back together?
What was the name of that sleazy asshole I'm not allowed to sleep with?
death, taxes, and me drunk texting you are 3 certainties in life
Randomize
