First guy to fuck a girl in the new tool shed. Her underwear is on the shovel hook.
Im blasting "Fat Bottom Girls" as loud as humanely possible in attempts that old ladies doing water aerobics will take the hint and get the fuck out of the pool.
when you tell me you got me a birthday present, I have to assume it will show up in a drug test.
There's a very drunk Asian strawberry shortcake crying on the curb next to my truck. I'm not really sure what standard protocol is for this situation.
Sit down my child. It's time you were told of my famous loss-of-virginity story entitled, "The Penis that Never Could."
P.S. I just made up pleasure scepter for the purpose of that last message.
So after tonight I now have 6 Harry Potter movies left to get laid to. Before tonight it was 8. Fucking right
Seriously can I go through one convo where masturbating doesn't come up
This feeling I'm having... is it love or a combination of alcoholism and unprotected rough sex
I was dreaming of a parallel reality and in the dream I just looked up at my present self and was like "you're high, man"
I'm torn between wanting to wear lipstick and wanting to make out with strangers.
You ate ashes out of my bong
He played with my nipples while singing "How great thou art"
I love you more than sex with randoms.... and we all know how much I love that shit.
Was last night real life? Like did you really light your hair on fire
Randomize
