I just overhead some girl saying that she's trying out for the real world so she has a backup if she doesn't get into teach for america...
My boyfriend texted me as I was texting some random hookup from last night. His text: "Morning baby" My response: "Your cum is in my hair"
Like reprimanding the wall for "sneaking up on me" drunk
Yo I tried to get u stoned for ur dreams by blowing weed smoke in ur face while u slept. Ur welcome.
DUDE, DID YOU KNOW YOU CAN JUST RENT AN ELEPHANT???
Oh God.
I poured everyones drinks into the ice bucket and then stuck my face in it. Apparently I'm a greedy drunk.
I brought a guy home then decided no. Took him back to the bar and said "I'm going to drop you where I found you. Have fun"
I just power smoked 3 bongs, ate hot cocoa mix before making hot cocoa, and realized James Spader's character on The Office reminds me of your mom.
No, the moral of my Oxford interview was "Never snort caffeine pills".
Why put me through the conflicting battle of being happy for your vagina but sad for my vagina for no reason ahole
my roommate would be appalled if she knew how many times i've peed in the kitchen sink
Like I don't care that he's a drug dealer, but I have a problem with his inefficient and ineffective business model.
I want to ride his face like a jet ski
There's a point in life when you've got to take dick like a big girl.
I didn’t eat all day. Got really drunk at a bruins game and puked in a random dunkies cup on the T
If that doesn’t scream I’m from New England, I don’t know what does
Randomize
