Plan B is the new Plan A
I hate when my naked walk-arounds are interrupted by someone knocking on the door
all nice guys are gay and all hot ones are assholes
You're fat. Stop making excuses
Coming home soaking wet at three am and trying to convince the front desk man that we came from the library might have worked if I wasn't also roaring at everything.
apparently he thought telling me 'the weasel wants to come out to play' would somehow convince me to go down on him
She called me in the morning crying, but I was busy cleaning up bird guts, very hungover. It was a very surreal morning.
That is the best grammar in a dirty text ever. Excellent use of the semi-colon. And yes; I am hard.
That guy drinking savagely was actually at his buddy's gay bachelor party in the male stripper section. He came over to the chicks side so we drank with him.
He had some sort of penis-related post traumatic stress disorder, but body shots seemed to wake him up
If you come home and I'm pantsless with cake smeared all over my face, I'm sorry.
But in fairness, I would totally have a robo-penis as long as it had full sensation.
I need to stop acting like a drunk bitch. People are going to get the right idea about me...
You'll love it there. Trust me. Cheap tequila, pretentious beer, tall white guys who will treat you badly. Its got everything you like.
Why were u walkin around mc with a toilet bowl lid handcuffed to u and carrying a stuffed Teddy bear last night?
Nah leave him alone, he is at the strip club with his mom.
well you did quote socrates while playing beer pong and then proceeded to fall down
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