He was legit dry humping me to the sportscenter theme song, awkward i think SO.
well i just set every background of each phone in the verizon store to my face
So bad news they put a private property sign on the tiger.
Until they install cameras or armed security i'll ride the fuck out of that jungle cat.
The first thing they saw when they walked in was all four of our std test's hangin on the fridge....i'd be worried if they didn't think we were sluts
something isn't right. i offered to be his sex slave and he declined..
Also since my birthday I've on average fucked a new guy every 12.5 days. I'm doing an excel spreadsheet
currently taking a solo cab to the strip club at 1 in the morning. this is healthy.
my mom found me passed out in the kitchen floor with the Brita pitcher.. Happy Mothers Day
The real reason I can't work: it's Tuesday. I get stoned and watch Buck Rodgers on Tuesday.
Dropped the bowl in the litter box. But it landed face up. What do I do?
There are peanut butter donuts now. We are playing with forces we can't possibly understand.
You KNOW it was a good night when you find French fries AND taco remnants in your bra when you get home...
Someone just said “I need to use up this money before I’m tits up under the dirt” so I think I’m going to start using that in my daily vocabulary.
Almost gave myself a concussion stealing a stuffed unicorn hanging on a street sign but hey I got home safe
Must lick fork, like it's a DICK
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