So bad night, ended up beating off to porn and eating Keebler elf cookies.... at the same time :-(
My unemployment check should really just be direct-deposited into the checking account of my drug dealer
The guy i fucked last week got done first on the test in my 900 person class. If im pregnant at least it will be smart.
FYI you just passed out mid-blow job. Consider this my letter of resignation.
bringing a ziploc bag full of Jim Beam to the movies may not have been the best idea.
Yeah I had to push her down the hallway to the hotel room in a luggage carrier. The guy at the desk told me goodluck
Its like "fucckkkkk yooouuuuuu" is echoing up my esophagus
tequila?
yep
Know what's awesome? Flying a mini helicopter while you shit.
I'm lowering my standards just so I can get laid, but I draw the line when a guy spells cool kewl
Seriously. Come back. I've had two beers for breakfast so far. The third will be for lunch since it's already 12.
Totally thought something squeezed my boob. Then I remembered I was wearing a bra. Isn't weed great?
I almost had sex at the fire station last night and I need you to acknowledge all the awesomeness that is in that sentence.
I swear to god, I'm like....the Jedi master of dick.
I just found out how I got home last night. The bartenders found me sitting in the brush peeing and called me a cab. Have you seen my underwear?
dont ever go to laser tag drunk. you will be judged.
Randomize
