everyone is single if you try hard enough
We were sexting and at the end, instead of us having sex, he decided to put "we fell asleep in each others arms."
So me and friend just finished Eiffel towering this girl and sounds great in theory but after the high five has commenced its just a weird threesome especially when you make eye contact with your buddy during the session
He talks to me in this sweet I know you might be pregnant voice.
at the hospital. he locked himself in the kitchen, said he was making beer batter shrimp. don't know if it's the mercury poisoning, alcohol poisoning or second degree burns they're holding him for, but i've got a pretty guess.
Think they will judge us if our pre drink is a kiddie pool of jello shots?
some guy just burried his vomit in the sand.
I just found pizaa roll in my hair. Already been to class today
You motherfucker. I just had an MRI with a penny under my boob.
because of daylight savings time I lost an hour of sex with an incredibly hot guy last night. thanks a lot farmers.
We used to bone, but now she's my life coach.
Bro I just got a hand job playing tiny wings.. Hell yea
They are like the regular squirrels and we are flying squirrels
ps why does my dog smell like popcorn and a dryer sheet..?
I love you too, but sadly you're not as good at getting me out of bed as cocaine.
Randomize
