My dad told me my only assignment from now til graduation is to not die. it's a legit concern for him.
She was like the Rudy of blow jobs... SO much effort into it
I was batman and I saved her. Then we had sex on a rooftop.
My first sex dream, I blew myself. Yours definitely wins.
At beerfest, hammered, going to try to not get naked in public but i cant make any promises
I keep hearing lesbian porn and I'm the only one home. I don't think this is healthy
No worries. It'll grow back. I mean, hey, my eyebrows grew back after he shaved them off. So it's all good.
His rebound girl is half his size, looks like a leprechaun, is majoring in theater studies and has arms like Rosie O'donnell. Do I win?
Pretty sure the purpose of joining wine clubs isn't to drink the 2 bottles they send you each month IN THE SAME NIGHT.
I'm high. Everything has a 45° angle. That is as far as my eyes open
I pretty much told him I was too sober for this an just walked away and all I heard was "IT'S BECAUSE IM A BAD KISSER ISN'T IT" OVER AND OVER AGAIN
In that case, if you come anywhere near my house you can expect to be chased down various streets by a half naked me wielding a baseball bat. No, I am not giving you my address.
Why so serious bruh
Maybe don't sell him so much adderall next time. The other day during finals he was convinced that he could see the "molecules of life in the air" and kept reaching up slowly to grab them.
It's like the drive of shame on fucking Christmas. Happy birthday Jesus
The married guy I've been fucking broke it off because I'm not a trump supporter and don't share his "traditional values".
What??! Dude I'm not having you barging in at like 2 am smelling of cigarettes and disappointment to sleep on my couch and then have an awkward morning with my wife while I'm at work.
Touché sir
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