im doing shots everytime lil jon says it in the song shots....blackout town here i come
all i remember is you climbed in a garbage can and said you were trashed
Well I put her head right through the headboard. Thank god the room was under her name.
Ok love is a little strong. But he consented to Nachos, beer and board game date with my cats. Keeper.
What's more awkward than your little brother in law screaming, "I SAW YOUR TITTIES" at the breakfast table?
His step dad chiming in on the jokes.
I woke him up with a blow job and he started sing "oh the USAAAA. IT'S GOING TO BE S BEAUTIFUL DAYYYYY"
You just can't finish a sentence that starts with "I may have drunk peed in the bed" with "do you mind if I skip work and sleep here?" Anyways, yeah still drunk at work.
Looking through last night's sexting, realized one is a haiku..
Doing bumps while the kids play upstairs. #bestnannyever
well i mean, we just followed them into an alien and astronaut party. there was tin foil everywhere
Tinder date just called. I was supposed to be there 30 minutes ago but I'm on a 27 game win streak in Park...?
Fuck that man! Tell her your dog died or something. Reschedule that shit, you can't stop 2K at a time like that. Ball is life bro... Priorities.
Did I turn a man straight...??
Yes!
Is it sad the checkout lady had to inform my mom she can't buy alcohol before 8am?
you fell asleep with her panties on your face. how are you surprised??
Getting knocked up by someone with a good job and a big dick, okay. I can handle that. Getting knocked up by someone who sells dildos for a living and has a tiny dick, SOMEBODY is losing a pair of balls.
Randomize
