Have u Seen that eharmony commercial where the guy goes " I don't know how I could love her anymore, but tomorrow I will'. Yeah that guy should kill himself
well as your friend its only fair to offer my cock for your services. Cause I care.
Breakfast-of-shame with my mother. I was in half of a sexy Mad Hatter costume. We had artisan bagels and judgement.
A gay black guy with blonde hair and a gold tooth just told me he would shit on my face.
Now it's a party.
You blacked out and then went around stealing other peoples phones and leaving yourself voicemails
I got two from random numbers, the first was me and said "Don't forget you murdered Josh in Wii Bowling"
The second Jenn said "You are ridiculously smart for drunk dialing yourself"
Well my friend Jon slept on the couch and I slept next to my cooked lean pocket on the carpet
Sup man, did you have a 3way this month if so it would be 3 for 3 for the house
How the fuck does a person bruise an armpit? I swear to god, I get the lamest drunk injuries.
Please don't call my dad a fuckpuppet, I feel like that would be awkward to explain later.
The teenager outdrank all of us. All. Of. Us. I woke up and she was getting everyone water and fruit snacks. I give up.
I was blacked out when we met, so basically this will be a blind date.
30-degree weather + Metal Cockring Monday = really hard to pee.
All I'm saying is this is the exact reason I should not be left unsupervised.
Stop talking and go back to bed. You're in the kitchen in your underwear and slept in your car.
are you drinking tonight?
I have an exam tomorrow
so yes.
Randomize
