I can't disclose who, but one time I called someone, they didn't pick up, and immediately texted back 'will call later, masturbating'
I thought that was really considerate
Buying beer for freshmen. No matter what they ask for, I'm getting them Colt 45.
I may have been hammered and in a wheelchair but I definitely remember asking the hospital reseptionist to marry me
Just got a blowjob in her closet with two people sleeping outside in the room. I feel like the emperor of college.
Met my future wife peeing in the men's room. I stood in for the missing door on the stall. We really hit it off talking about how her butt didn't even touch the seat from all the years of squat lifting in high school.
Question: should I be considering heels or is this the kind of night where I should plan on falling on my face regardless of my choice of footwear?
I don't know where he learned to eat pussy but I thought I was going blind
I feel as if the hash cupcakes on top of mushroom chocolates was a little excessive last night
I just realized that at some point last night I told someone I would only be friends with 16% of them because the other 84% stole my people's land
I'm shoveling snow with a camel-pack full of beer in a blizzard. I love snow days as an adult!!!
be warned: you might find a baby hampster in my bra
My life is literally the worst. I was just laughing so hard at how hot they looked feeding each other the brownies and then I was like DON'T CRY
Sex followed by chicken and waffles... Hands down my favorite morning plans. Count me in.
On another note I never thought having a drug addicted stalker would prove useful
I remember reading the word "lift" so I did. The alarn went off, and I thought to myself "what dumbass pulls the fucking fire alarm?" and then I realized it was me...
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