I woke up at 7am naked in my bathtub with the shower running. My apartment was so full of steam that my ceiling was dripping. Who thought it would be okay for me to get my own place, anyway?
Balls are like the throw pillows of the penis
i realized that the internet ruins the joy of a father passing down playboys to his son
I want to get so wasted that I make middle aged irish men look like mormon girls
just woke up to overhearing her on the phone saying "yeah we fucked last night, that makes 42." should i get tested?
well i fucked her too, so yes.
The man at the Honda dealership told me I smell like vodka and probably shouldn't be driving.
hes trying to draw the periodic table on his chest with a sharpie. i'm not sure how thats going to help him on his chem final, but he keeps shouting "this is how the pros do it"
you called her butter tits and then threw up in your cup. i dont know if theres any way to come back from that
Code red. She won't talk to me. Maybe it has something to do with her raccoon eyes. Perry said there was a brief moment of towel fighting until you passed out. Did you draw the turtle on my ass?
You blacked out and then went around stealing other peoples phones and leaving yourself voicemails
I got two from random numbers, the first was me and said "Don't forget you murdered Josh in Wii Bowling"
The second Jenn said "You are ridiculously smart for drunk dialing yourself"
but it was less of a make out and more of a goodnight kiss as a "thanks for giving our drunk asses a ride home and sorry we called your bar the worst bar in LA"
She literally took off her shirt and ran out of the bar. When she ran back she smashed into the glass door with her face....That's got to be the best way to celebrate your 30th.
That moment when a stripper is the one that makes the two of you have to define the status of your relationship...
Leaves on the ground. Coffee in one hand and your man in my other. Lovely fall morning.
Its like the floor is slow but life is fast?
I see you found the nyquil...
Randomize
