Someone took a freaking dump on a roll of toilet paper. Next to the toilet. No shit in the toilet. Just on the roll of toilet paper.
I'm sorry, but you without makeup is like christmas without presents.
How do I tell my mom that she just went to the gym with my water bottle filled with vodka...
You should've stopped drinking when you started asking people for bites of tequila.
Should I mail that cop his nightstick or just throw it away?
I want to celebrate with you...
There's nothing I'd like more than a celebratory "The guy I'm doing just found out he's not a baby daddy" dinner.
The least you could do before I go into your room is throw away the condom wrapper from the other girl I know you're banging.
"Shots" of grape juice. I fucking hate Utah soooo fucking much.
... I threw up in the shower this morning
You were "I'm not drunk" drunk.
I was feeling sad so bedroom vodka seemed like the best solution at the time.
we're going to the olympic park to run the 100m yeaaaahhh
it's 3am. Nothing could possibly go wrong here.
I have words... I can't think of them tho. they keep melting together and forming you and I just want to hump it.
I'm tired of the topic. I sent him a pic of my vagina to change it.
And let me tell you, getting your ass waxed is the weirdest fucking experience.
Hungover on St. Patrick's Day. I did this backwards.
We were driving past a farm when he screamed at me to stop the car, then he jumped out and tried to ride a cow.
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