I think most guys look at porn as a fallback career. I mean I know I do.
Todays lesson: Chew your food better when your drunk. I almost choked throwing up this morning.
bailing my boss out of jail is a great way to spend memorial day
There are a bunch of guys at the door looking for the guy you brought back to the condo...pretended not to speak English. You're welcome.
She's planning a December wedding, I'm planning on a June breakup.
So the bitch asked me if I wanted the name brand or the generic contraceptive. Does it look like I want to be generically pregnant?
I'm happily sitting on the toilet cause I'm too tired to move. I'm considering making this my permanent residence. It has a lot to offer.
Two big black bouncers picked you up and escorted you to the elevator.
I didn't even do anything wrong. For all they knew I could have been on the US Olympic Gymnastic team. Would they kick Gabby Douglas out of a bar? I don't think so.
YOU MAKE ANAL SEX SOUND LIKE A SPORTING EVENT
Getting high in the car with mom and the aunts during intermission for drag queen bingo. Details later.
If he would've shaved his beard when we first broke up, getting over him would've been so much simpler. That asshole.
do you think there's enough of the fabric you gave me to make a crop top for a cat?
I have jury duty tomorrow
I almost deep fried my finger today and yet I think you are worse off than I am.
is it bad that there is a girl in my bed right now and the only thing i can think about is the fect that its after 3am which means i cant order jimmyjohns unitll tomorrow?
might I remind you I fucked a 21 year old and almost did coke with strangers? you definitely came out on top
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