If facebook stalking was a job I would totally pown it
he is the anna nicole to my 90 year-old billionaire. i'm grateful that he's fucking me, so i'm buying him shit.
you handed me your bra at the bar and said 'hold my purse'
She washed her feet in the sink at white castle. I want this girl in my life.
he kept a regular condom in his wallet just so he could comment on how it wouldnt fit before whipping out the magnums. i give him points for the build up
Dude that musta been some handjob last night. The sound of her pandora bracelet kept waking me up
Somewhere between yelling how am I gonna make it to my flight and more titie shots I stopped caring
Hate is such a strong word! I prefer to think that you strongly dislike me due to the honesty I show towards your routine shortcomings of success in life.
The last party at your house was a sex toy party...it's an obvious transition to baby shower
I mean, yeah, she was cheating on me but I've been fucking her brother. My secret relationship trumps her secret relationship.
One day, tell me please to stop buying shots when I'm overwhelmed. I might have just broken a tooth
Jumanji is 1000% better stoned while cooking breakfast.
I don't like sad things. I do like drinking though
My kid made a secret wish that you have a baby... Make good choices today!
I just realized u compared me to a coconut
Randomize
