I bet a guy could be masturbating under the table now and people would just think he was clapping along.
I've seriously contemplated telling him the baby isn't his just so I can meet Maury Povich
I passed out on my porch last night. I'm still making it to class. This is what growing up means.
In the middle of pouring my wine you asked me if I could hear your vibrator from my room.
She wanted to roleplay. Apparently you be snow and i'll be a plow wasn't an option
I'm stoned entirely off resin. Licking my blankets. Merry Christmas. Jesus died for our sins. Yay Jesus. I love you.
just found a someones bra in what seems to be a mix of pickle juice and vodka in my fridge. Who was over here lately?
I feel like a cloud. A cloud that wants to be laid.
Tell me when you get here. I'm drinking beer in the bushes next to your house, and I put my hoodie up because I was cold. Pretty sure everyone lowkey thinks i'm homeless.
you kept saying "i will not *breathe* regret this *breathe* in the morning *breathe* i just gotta remember *breathe* to BREATHE"
Why did you not tell me that video snapchats are a thing? This is a fucking game changer for my mobile sex life.
you got coffee,laid,and a sandwich. that never happens when I work
Only I would get an underage 24 hours before turning 21.
I like how I can go from sucking dick in the my basement to singing along to veggie tales with my family in a span of 10 minutes.
You need to go! It’s a midwestern wedding - the single girls out there think life ends at 25 if they don’t have a picket fence and family. That’s when your penis introduces himself
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