just met our mailman at a party, he asked me out. i said yes, but only if he picks me up in the mail truck. how jealous are you
I hate how you keep a running list of people who have seen me naked.
She's gonna be fat in the future. On a side note I had a "It's not you, it's me." conversation with a bottle of jack last night.
I swear to God, I just heard my guardian angel tell us to stop. I think we should listen.
Do you remember trying to use a pencil, pen, and sunglasses as your second form of ID at the bar when they wouldn't let you in last night?
HE'S EATING THE CONFETTI. STOP HIM NOW.
This is John, I met you downtown last night.
Oh, ok.
This is the cop that kept you out of trouble last night
Made out with a chick in front of a girl I'm banging and successfully reDENNISed her within 9 hours
Hungover. Have to fix everything I've broken. I'm gonna be very late.
I'm going to sing sad and lonely Barbra Streisand songs at the top of my lungs if you don't get here soon
i love how you just walk into that dealer's house every time without knocking, yet you don't even know his name
I actually haven't slept with anyone in a while. I think my whore phase is just seasonal.
You had to dry your pants with the hand dryer in the bathroom because you "forgot to take it out."
I still blew him because I won't let allergies keep me from doing what I want. But I almost suffocated like 10 times.
You told me not to tell you found out you're pregnant..
Randomize
