I needed to borrow my dads nail clippers and next to it was an industrial size box of condoms if that wasnt bad enough I dropped the clippers behind the bed and discovered hundreds of used condoms
Throwing up while listening to pandora radio. Don't tell me my life doesn't have theme music.
Year anniversary in a month. Think I'll just give him a COME ON MY FACE FREE card. I'm both broke and shameless.
Need help. Super baked. Stuck on couch. Dying of thirst. Bring paint thinner or something to pry me off. Only thumbs and neck work.
i actually pissed myself from laughing when I saw the old man in lingerie carrying a spiderman purse. I dont know if he was real or if it was the tequila, but my head hurts.
The only thing that was weird was that it WASN'T weird when she got out of the shower and saw me blowing him.
You used the best tools you had at your disposal.
Slutty, slutty tools.
I remember sitting in your lap naked saying I don't want to be all looks while you gently rocked me back and forth
We need to stop going on dates to the strip club.
They ran out of toilet paper so I used the rug to wipe my vagina
I think I just got drunk texted by my psychiatrist
rest in peace liver.
It was nice having you occupy space in my body that could be holding beer n chicken.
that's going in my livers obituary.
My ex just brought my grandpa weed. Not sure how I feel about this.
it was weird i started the party in just my underwear and woke up in my clothes
Pretty sure he proposed because my house is awesome. His ass is a ten and he's offering to pay more than half the bills... How expensive is a divorce really? I mean I could probably put up with him for three or four years but a lifetime is a big ask.
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