Who knew there were guys that wanted to only stalk you instead of date you? Count on me to find them!
You just left with that feminine looking guy you kept calling "Jessica." Just giving the heads up.
Aren't I supposed to sit on your face?
He is drunkenly eating my teddy grahms and making little growling noises as he bites the head off of each one.
I'm wearing boardshorts as underwear to work. This is bachelorhood
I can't decide who is the bigger alcoholic: you for opening that bottle of wine just now or me for hearing it in the other room over the air conditioner
we went from five shot glasses to three in one night. we lost 'badass' and gumbi, but the ninja turtle survived. courtney says to avoid any more casualties we're not allowed to use shot glasses past 1am. and we're not allowed to throw them
Woke up this morning buried in a mountain of chex mix and bubble wrap. We must have been doing something great last night
By getting lucky do you mean I get one of your incredible BJs or you not killing me by the end of dinner?
There's still helium in the tank I found in the garbage outside the bar!
Finally smoked with my brothers, I feel like I just won gold at the Best Older Brother Ever Olympics
He put his number in my phone as Steve handsome
Just a reminder- you dropped broccoli in my car and then felt bad for it and named him Henry
I know. I miss henry.
Sorry, i'm on a strict diet of vodka and regret
I need you to get the emergency bail money out if the stuffed panda and go to the police station tot bail me out. I should be there in 20 minutes.
Randomize
