all the sharp corners in my house are covered with litter foam blocks. al set for partying
You'll be proud of me
Who did you not have sex with
Damn it...you know me too well
I am sitting on the couch "eating" a frozen big bucket margarita with a spoon.
We should search craigslist for porches to sublet.
For a limited time only, free special muffin with the referral of a loyal dro customer! Have it for breakfast and be happy off your ass all day! Guaranteed! New member must buy at least an eighth. Oh and O's are on sale for 280.
You. Win. At. Life.
I know. I know. The man who pulled me from my mother's womb was the same man who had his fingers in my vagina today. My life is a joke. I don't know how to feel about this.
I got carried out by security last night. AND the taxi had to drive up onto the sidewalk to get me i was that drunk.
Apparently I stole windex from the cab driver. Klepto Tom strikes again.
Just go to your happy place. Mine is with Jake Gyllenhaal & schnapps
The guy who's car I hit last night just followed me on Twitter...not sure how to feel about it.
Question #1: Why am I on my living room floor? Question #2: Where did the bloody footprints come from? Question #3: Why are there two McChickens next to the wine bottle?
friends are allowed to bang on New Years, I read it on the Internet somewhere.
my ex logged me out of his netflix so im gonna fuck his bestfriend as revenge
Showed up to pick her up in my boxers. Lets just say im 2 for 2 with this new idea
Got everyone out of my house, somehow managed to put all my lawn furniture back, puked in my sink, and cleaned it up all while black out drunk before my parents came home. Successful night.
Randomize
