i'm sleeping with myself tonight because i remember my name and i won't regret it in the morning. sorry.
I don't know how to say this, but I think you're a fucking bitch and the sooner you die I'll be happier.
Sorry- wrong number! :)
Theres a dude at this concert at the urinal double fisting beers, taking drinks from both while simultaneously pissing euerywhere. He is my hero
Give me a few hours to remember what being sober feels like.
While we were having sex he told me "this is what you get for not parking my car right" I have never drove his car. He was that kind of weird.
i am too hungover to go to class can you just call me and put it on speaker phone
Less talking, more tequila
i think the penis that was inside of me changed my life
We're discussing which museums we should go to when we shroom. How ill would Picasso be?
What bar did i puke in last night
by bar you must mean bars and by in you must mean on
You looked up at me and said "I'm getting a mattress made out of this SHIT. Goodbye certa hellllllllo concrete!" then you started counting sheep
These are your "grown up" slampiece's new hours of operation; please plan accordingly
he was high. i was rolling face. we were both wearing grateful dead t shirts. at that point it's like we had no choice but to fuck
Idk what the interview would be like but I imagine you in a suit and tie surveying a nervous freshman and eventually leading him into a labyrinth of debauchery and clapping him on the back, saying "welcome to the fraternity, son"
At least your wife cheated on you. Women will feel bad for you. In a month there will boy bands that are jealous of your dick
Randomize
