Come on, it shouldn't be that hard NOT to suck someone's dick
and in the morning, while we were eating breakfast, she was all " i think someone sneezed into my shirt..." she'll never know.
had to check his id this morning to remember his name.... i was wayy off
i really need to stop putting makeup on my cats..
He came up there while i was bartending, ate a salad, told me he wanted to divorce me, then tipped me 10 dollars....
You kept trying to hail an ambulance
I'm so pissed my boobs hit the emergency stop button during my workout
Instead of politely asking me to shave, he passive-aggressively left me a groupon for a bikini wax. So I passive-aggresively fucked his roommate. And his roommate didn't mind my bush when he went down on me. Anyway, do you want the groupon or not?
Standards are awful. It's like living in the zombie apocalypse. You can only have sex with certain people
Singing high school musical songs with an old Russian woman I met on the bus. What are you doing?
Based on the time of Sean's "I'm on your street" phone call last night, we had sex for an hour and a half. Man, time flies when you're getting boned to an orgasmic death.
I really hope your new roommate never finds out we had a threesome with a bisexual British guy in his room the night before he moved in.
A big dick and how quickly they respond to snapchat is all I look for in a guy
FUCK. EVERYONE MAKE MY CONTACT NAME DADDY ISSUES
You owe me a one night stand and a line. Possible an inflatable flamingo as well. And a caesar salad.
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