you keep denying me to hang out, should i take a hint?
you keep asking me after midnight, should i take a hint?
I just wish we had the ability to download food from our TVs.
Haha dude youd die if you were here. Girl presenting is defending the new testament and did her report on JESUS. best believe i'm gonna ask some hungover, atheist ass questions
Why the fuck do they always fuck on couches in porn?
Don't ever text me while you're jacking off. EVER.
be a good friend and just tell me i'm not pregnant
I though she ruined it by crying, then I realized it wasn’t a tear, it was my great aim. It turned out to be beautiful.
I just had a flashback of me saying "I'm not ready to be a deadbeat mom" lastnight.
Btw...I puked in my hand last night and threw it on the floor. Don't let me do tequila ever again.
His best friend's cat died so we had a drunken burial ceremony on the side of his condo at 2am and I'm pretty sure if anyone gets ahold of the video feed from Martini Monday we're all fired.
We just broke into a lion king sing along. Understanding is not possible.
To the person who put the glitter on my ceiling fan...fuck you
Well I took a spicy wing shit in a field this morning.
we managed to melt a few different forms of plastic into the cannibutter....
The bachelor party was supposed to stay local but I think were in mexico.
ACTUALLY FUNNIEST MOMENT OF THE NIGHT WAS WHEN YOU WERE TALKING TO HIM AND YOU SAID "WHEN YOU MEET ME IN REAL LIFE I WILL BE A LOT ANGRIER." And then he said "WHEN I MEET YOU IN REAL LIFE I WILL BE LESS DRUNK, HOPEFULLY."
Randomize
