the condom got lost in my hair
got hammered last night, woke up this morning to 38 texts that varied from "you fucking asshole" to "i can be there in 10 minutes"
He's playing farmville on his phone while puking over the toilet..
I thought about farting is his face when he was going down on me last nite.
Shame tastes like burnetts and latex
I just looked at a girl and was like what disease does she have? And then my mind caught up ohhh shes pregnant.
Am I a bad person for getting my ex to DD me and a random hookup home last night?
That sounds worse than that time you thought out an entire story of how big bird would kill you
As I was about to fuck him, he requested a moment of silence for Leonard Nimoy.
Just please don't close your legs while I'm down there again. I don't want my death to be labeled as "Head crushed while giving an individual cunnilingus".
He drank an entire six pack, past out on the guest bed, woke up around 4AM, lifted & dropped my leg, then peed on the corner of the bed. When I told him where he was pissing he said "it's all the same babe."
You're up at 3AM, right? I have a very important question.
You know the Wendy's on route 6, by Kohls? Do you know if it has a drive through?
Yes it does.
Had a dream last night that we survived the apocalypse. And we celebrated Christmas.
What did I get you?
A 12 gauge and a bottle of vodka that was waist high.
Sounds about right
i told him the only way i'd fuck him was if he saved me during the zombie apocolypse and took me to a tastefully decorated yet impenetrable hideout.
Xanax, wine, and giving the neighbor blue balls. How about you?
Jesus, it’s Tuesday morning! Not back stage with Motley Crew
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