You should have seen the look on the cashiers face when I was buying steel reserve with a suit on.
Just saw a group of asian tourists in safari outifts bow in thanks to the starbucks guys. And no Im not high.
Somehow I gave him blood blisters on his dick...I don't know if I'm that good or that bad.
I'm hoping you can explain why I woke up with what I believe is pumpkin pie all over my body
Your last words were "i'm gonna motorboat the bartender." then you commenced with an attempted motorboat
She can drink whiskey without a chaser and has a fridge full of whipped cream. Girlfriend potential
And I feel bad.
Because we're having a serious discussion about our sex life and you're playing minecraft?
Its a first. Never been peed on in a line to concert. First time for everything.
She kept telling me it was a squirtgun.
Whatever the emoticon is for "balls deep". That.
GOIN TO BED BEFORE TEQUILA BLEEDS FROM MY EYEBALLS
When you're trying to sneak from the bathroom to your room with dildo, but it glows in the dark and suddenly your entire life is illuminated in the shape of dick
if you're wondering why I texted you some girl's name at 4 am it's because you wanted to Facebook stalk the girl who gave that Irish guy we met at the Chinese food place her license and said 'call me'
I feel like your boyfriend deserves to know that you're a lesbian.
the woman that waxes my lady parts just hugged me...
were you wearing pants?
no.
Call me Sherlock Holmes, bitch.
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