you only like me because i go down faster than a bridge in minnesota
just watched her puke in her purse and put it back on the bar. then half hour later put her hand in her bag to get a pen to give me her number. I bet she is game for anything
but there are maragaritas for $3 so that was all i needed to hear
Today in class was pretty awsome. I dont feel like i have to throw up and im actually paying attention. This is a first for friday
I don't think I have ever been told that I am "probably too drunk to pet the stingrays" by a cop before.
I just threw up blood. Also i just remembered i got hit in the face with a 2 by 4.
That is the best grammar in a dirty text ever. Excellent use of the semi-colon. And yes; I am hard.
You kept trying to make cocktails with my protein powder last night...
you said "i met the love of my life tonight" and i said "me?" and you said "no, hummus"
I don't understand why you're so excited, it's my vagina not yours.
2:34, make a wish! I wish I wasn't on acid at Planned Parenthood. What's yours?
He has a beach house and a Simba tattoo. Our wedding is next Tuesday, hope you're free.
i guess i fuck people who own bucket hats so i can't talk shit
When you start lapping your martini like a cat it's time to go home. Partys over.
I think it's a bit on the nose for the Uber driver to play stairway to heaven while driving like A psycho.
Randomize
