I can't remember if we talked about feelings. Fuck you Miller High Life.
I think she would actually eat a penis if anyone was brave enough to let one near her mouth
I woke up in my girlfriends bed with another guy laying next to me. wtf.
You should really come over right now. There's hot construction workers across the street. I'm gonna go pour beer on myself in a bikini on the sidewalk. See you in 5?
i flashed his best friends last night
you always were good at making good first impressions
mind if i send you a dick pic? so you can see what she wasn't doing right?
In the middle of the State of the Union, she unzipped my pants and started giving me head. I've never been so proud to be an American.
Yeah. I was about to call 911 but I ended up breaking the door frame off then ran and puked all the way home.
I think she finds the idea of a naked fat man lying on the table and holding our butter offensive
Well I mean he is in a slightly seductive pose
Dude I am allergic to the candy dicks from that sex shop in Vegas. Come take me to hospital right now.
Just an FYI i'm going to get drunk as shit while you are on duty and attempt to not fall into the bathtub again.
Rodger that.
I just lectured my ex boyfriend on how to eat a girl out what has my life come to
I know I'm drunk but why am I receiving this handjob through the pant leg of my shorts..?
Protip if he licks the back of your knee and you reflexively kick him your game of 'lick the lady' is over.
Just found out a shooting happened in our parking lot while it was closed this morning. So thaaaaaaaaats fun.
Randomize
