Just donated money to a kid for her softball team.
Obviously I'm trying to futher our next generation of lesbians. I may be hitting on her at the gay bar in ten years...
He only uses me for sexual pleasure. The sad part is I don't even feel like a slut. I just I feel like I should just live in the top drawer of his nightstand....for free of course.
No, not at all. Pulling a condom out of your vag at 2pm is NOTHING like finding $10 in your winter coat. Stop trying to make me feel better.
You're getting a blowjob this afternoon. This has been your morning public service announcement.
The best thing about my promotion is that I now have an office with a door. I can take my naps in peace instead of leaning my head against the stall in the bathroom.
I can't believe they pay you six figures. I hate you.
Found a single cinnamon toast crunch between my butt cheeks. We did work last night
His thanks his mom for not having an abortion at his wedding toast. I love frat weddings.
So after tonight I now have 6 Harry Potter movies left to get laid to. Before tonight it was 8. Fucking right
Batchelotette party success. I woke up on the floor in nothing but a thong, a garter and a shirt that says Just Do Me.
I've found myself wondering why I WASN'T naked before, but I generally always know why I am naked. Except now. WHY THE FUCK ARE WE ALL NAKED
Today I had sex and flossed at the same time. My relationship goals have been exceeded.
Because I'm currently dying, lacking waffles, and vaguely convinced I'm an eagle
Happy "I'm glad our dad made us sisters and then summarily downgraded himself to sperm donor" day.
My body looks like ricotta cheese had a vacation
Why thank you for your unwanted opinion, person I've never met before.
Randomize
