god i wish i could take a shit and a shower at the same time
why cant girls ever use the fly? why do they always have to awkwardly try to pull it over your belt?
I think the phrase "baptist college" should be an oxymoron.
Fighting the police is like screwing a fat girl, if I'm drunk enough I'll do it
you were watching a documentary about sharks and wouldn't stop stroking my legs and whispering "what if they could walk?"
Literally been drinking for 10 hours. Hammered. Roasted chestnuts fell out of my shirt earlier.
Is waterboarding an exceptable way of getting sober?
I think I just fucked my first person born during the Clinton administration
I wasn't going to take him home until I heard "hung like a water buffalo" then curiosity got the best of me.
He just fingered me to the Lion King soundtrack. And when he left he turned dramatically and said "I'll be back after work. Be prepared." Taint ALL the childhood memories.
Do you miss the park or do you miss us having sex in public?
I'm really hot. went tanning and this cheeseburger shirt like isn't breathable
I'm closer to stabbing a fork in my neck than finishing this resume.
I'm just hoping that with all the times he's puked in my yard a mushroom field might grow.
The next morning I found her spread eagle asleep on the living room floor and he was asleep with his head in her crotch. I needed a ride and had to wake them up.
Randomize
