my bed looks and feels like i need to buy plan b.
you threw up in the oven last night. i found that out after i preheated it to cook a pizza.
I finally got her to squirt but it wasnt a stream, it came out in the form of mist. I felt like I was in rainforest cafe.
You said "i miss him" not "i miss his dick." You're getting emotionally attatched. Shame.
I'm too tired to go all the way tonight, especially if you're going to quote Katy Perry at me during
I found a fried uncrustable on the table from last night.
Doctorate. Vaginahole. Cinnamon. Rainbow. Fill in the blanks in the morning.
I have a broken liver
I see that the whole "let's take a break from drinking" has worked out really well for us.
We got back from Mcdonalds and literally 5 minutes of being in your room, you wanted to go back because "We haven't been yet."
The hypnotist is here. He has a black eye and smells like tequila.
She asked how many sexual partners I'd had and I was like "Honestly I don't even know". And then she said "well last time you said 8." And my inner monologue busted out laughing and I was like "Oh I'd say like 11 or 12.....plus 20."
She rode my dick so hard I momentarily lost hearing. I guarantee I had the better St Patrick's.
He forgot how to sit. we had to pick him up and set him down.
Donated a pint of blood at 6 and pub crawl started at 7. Thank your lucky stars I'm still alive today.
there's still a lot i don't remember, like why my iphone's nailed to your wall
Randomize
