she kicked me out for pissing in the recycling bin. I mean, is it really THAT big of a deal?
so when he was about to cum, he screamed his mother's name and continued to pray for forgiveness. wtf
Do you remember that blonde girl he brought home from the bar on Friday night? She didn't leave until Monday afternoon. We didn't even know she was still in his room...what a sketchy weekend.
look, i dont wanna be "that girl" but if someone offers me coke in exchange for sex, i cant say no.
I just spewed blue gatorade in the shower. It looked like the ocean.
Also, we should really buy some bandaids. Right now I'm using toilet paper and scotch tape, but I don't really think that's sanitary.
luckily my workout playlist doubles as a masturbation playlist.
Their car went through the first bag of wine on the drive up...clearly 6 bags was not enough.
Yea it's a sex scar. But if anyone asks I tripped up carpeted stairs
It's all good. The CSI guy came and I played the theme song while he in was in our place. The cops even laughed.
I'm dressed like a deranged cupcake. Let's get fucked up.
So the other day we finished having sex and he literally said "what are we going to do about your vagina?" Like, I hadn't even dismounted him yet.
I accidentally told my mom I broke my drug nail this weekend
I'm basically the yoda of knowing when someone wants to sleep with you
If you can throw 105 mph it’s mandatory that you’re hung.
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