You're a womanizer and a bitch.
I just took a girl with a hip brace and crutches on a date. she obviously can't bone. is it rude to demand a blowjob?
last nights makeup is better than no makeup at all.
shes trying to light up her bowl in front of the fan. everytime it blows it out she just gives it a dirty look.
finally stumbled home. 4am. made it to the bathroom and threw up. the cat came in,s aw me, looked at the vom in disgust, and then threw up too. its nice to have such sympathetic pets.
i know im back at school when i can poke any random spot on my body and expect a 80% chance that theres a bruise there
shes the kind of girl that would cock block endangered pandas
Everyone is slow dancing to Aerosmith. I am serenading a slice of pizza.
We play this game where we catch up on what we missed over five years of not talking to eachother, then we have sex like nothing ever happened.
I lost half a toenail and didn't realize it. Bloody shoe shoulda been a clue.
I tried to have a quickie with him at the company happy hour. I think I need to quit my job.
I DONT HAVE THE SOCIAL SKILLS TO EXPLAIN THAT YOU DIED EATING MY PUSSY
Even my fuck buddy told me I needed a boyfriend. Fml.
I'm shrooming way too hard to deal with your bullshit at this particular point in time
I love how my parents bring water bottles filled with vodka on family trips
Randomize
