She knew it was going down when I had her search for "condoms" in my iPhone Maps.
remember when mike pissed in his pants and then put a double cheeburger in the pocketsss of said wet pants for "safe keeping"? yea drunker then that.
he fucked me so hard my future children felt it
Look, all I'm sayin is $2 boilermakers and an expense account are probably a bad mix…
It's a good cause. For your vagina.
It's a goat... but where the fuck did it come from?
A few days ago I apparently came up, asked her to make me soup, and handed her a can of coconut milk.
I STILL HAVE A HARD TIME DECIDING WHAT TO WEAR IN THE MORNING HOW WOULD IT BE POSSIBLE FOR ME TO PICK A PAIR OF PANTS AND GO OH ILL JUST WEAR THESE FOR THE REST OF MY LIFE
If you walk into a place and someone says "happy birthday" while handing you a shot. You. Take. It.
...Just this whole adulting thing gets in the way of mermaid drag shows at lesbian bars.
Hi I'm on my way to give you multiple screaming orgasms and Easter candy
I told him I wanted to fuck him and he hasn't texted me back in 4 days...am I missing something
The first thing you did was give us a tour of the house and showed us who was "on-limits" and "off-limits"
it will be a surprise...all I can say is stripper clown.
Drinking is such a hassle. I wish I could just press a button and be drunk.
Randomize
