please tell me I'm in your upstairs bedroom. Just google mapped myself and I have no idea where I am.
he screamed my twitter name while we were having sex.
dude relax anyone of us could have gotten that girl pregnant
Hey bro u need to come home now, me and andy just had a 15 minute conversation about fig newtons. f this bong
They were like stripper heels, except business stripper heels, the kind strippers would wear to court.
Last night: Repeatedly yelled about how the fishbowl tasted like blue, stole a stranger's hat, hugged the DJ for playing my request, made out with my roommate, and abandoned the guy I dragged to the club in the first place
This morning: Hat doesn't fit, hangover headache is blue, and I can't move without getting lightheaded
Listen when they tell you not to drink after giving blood
They're putting plan B in vending machines now. My life just got so much easier.
Definitely want to eloquently cunt punt those bitches thru the field goals of life.
Omg. Some dude is jacking off in Kelly's bathroom.
You called me to pick you up from the bar at 9:00. When we drove over the speed bumps you put your hands in the air and pretended you were on a roller coaster.
To be fair, I'm probably one of the better candidates for the role of 'baby daddy' in this town
I just swallowed confetti and motor-boated some guys beard...#happy2015
Between fucking and sleeping I woke up missing four out of five of the earrings I was wearing. It's like a star rating system. I had to give him props.
IT IS NICKEL SHIT NIGHT
*shot. Why
he’s basically the devil with a fuck boy hair cut and chlamydia
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