I hate when you've made an ugly girl's day by having sex with her, and then she gets greedy and wants to cuddle after you cum.
Now there's vomit covered trash all over the front lawn. I feel accomplished
I swear if his heart was half the size of the cum stains he's left on my sheets we would have the perfect relationship
You said you couldnt get the condom on but "its the thought that counts"
it will be an insanely irresponsible summer.the only things i plan on not doing are dying and getting pregnant.and even those are negotiable
Lemme guess, I was the one completely shit faced making out with the 50 year old...
LOL, wrong number bro. Good luck trying to figure out what happened though..
One step ahead. Always. Roses are red, violets are blue... I'm gonna fuck you with a rake.
I want to get business cards and hand them to hot guys and say " hey if you ever want to like makeout and pretend it never happened call me"
I have to shower first, I forgot I peed on my feet last night...
Want to go swimsuit shopping? First one who cries buys ice cream.
How's the hangover?
I've been begging my dog to mercy kill me for over an hour. He has this look like he might do it, you know, as my best friend should.
Burnt my boob on a piece of hot waffle at work today..I feel like thats a new low point in my career..
I need water and some morals
should i be that dick who brings a carpet in an uberpool
Why are you moving a carpet?
it's unimportant
Hey I didn't mean to come across like I was judging you about your liberal sexual choices. I would like details of your threesome if you need to talk about it!
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