There are only two things that should be in vaginas... penises and vegetables
Changing from sweatpants to jeans at 3 in the afternoon makes the day seem so much more productive than it actually was.
You should have been there. We got drunk and threw a sword through his windshield.
Just had to pull out another loan to pay for that public drunkenness citation. I am so ready to graduate.
Why are you speaking in third person?
Because I'm so hungover that I don't even want to be myself anymore.
I have no idea how I got home or why I am naked but I assume I owe you a thank you...
You just squeezed a person out of you and I'm drunks at 2PM. Our lives got traded and you know it and you're jealous.
I get that he's ugly and I deserve better but I will still beat up the girls he hangs out with.
True freedom is running around a sex club in former power plant in Berlin wearing a boots, a jock
Note to self...boner negates all verbal agreements ...got it
I need to pull it together. I just cried my eyes out to Master Chef Junior.
I walk into the pharmacy and I'm like "I need three morning after pills" and the guy was like "uhhhh". All I said was "we didn't plan it, we all just got laid the same night"
But the real reason your aunt is drunk crying is because she has already had four margs and went for a 5th and someone is trying to stop her
Question: anytime during the past week did I drunk dial you and give you full permission to grab my boobs? Cus I know I said it I just don't remember who I said it to...
Planning a vacation around my dog. I have become one of those dog moms.
Randomize
