I'm gonna start referring to my vag as my ladygarden
saw "Pah-jure" lube. Thought of you. Wearing the same clothes to work tomorrow.
I stayed in, ate a pint of Hagen daas and watched a movie about aids. Soooooooo single.
i dont think my boyfriend knows how much of a pain it is to shave my ass
Why does Corona taste like a burp?
Okay I've seen like three girls walking around crying today. Weird?
everyone's regretting their thursdays.
So if we break up over this are you still gonna come over and do my dishes?
just cuz theres a goalie doesnt mean i cant commandeer the goal and become a way better goalie
Oh that could end badly if you get them mixed up.. you know who I think you should focus on?? THE ONE WITH THE BIG BLACK COCK, just sayin
my night stand is a mini fridge, dont even try to get on my level of laziness.
I'm going to avoid eye contact because my old high school English teacher is not who I feel like seeing after I just had a dick in my mouth
It's like sexual waterboarding. You gave me sex so good I'm comparing it to torture. Jesus.
You grabbed my dick don't call me son
You were just laying there on the air mattress watching spongebob with a knife. We tried to take it from you, but you insisted it was your emergency escape in case you started to float off.
I woke up with a giant paw print on the side of my face, my jaw hurts, and I have no idea how any of this happened.
Dude i just passed out while getting head...she cried
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