They should make Jack Daniels chap stick
He kept insisting that I was going to have an orgasm but it just felt like he was rubbing sand paper on my vagina
She gives pretty bad head, but when it's in her dad's Lexus SUV it's tough to complain.
I couldn't sleep so I drunk ellipticaled for an hour. Worst. Idea. Ever.
Fair warning: We've transformed the living room into a giant tent.
STOP TELLING PEOPLE I PEED ON YOU
Those mornings you wake up with a Barbie tramp stamp are the mornings that are the that are going to make me miss this place
WE COULD TOTALLY DO ECSTASY AND GO TO THAT CAT SHELTER OFF OF BROADWAY.
I have a big to do list for you. Number 1 - me. Number 2 - drink wine 3. Talk my ears off. 4. Me again
My wife managed to convince me to not drink everclear by threatening to ban me from her vagina
Woke up with champagne in my hair and honey mustard on my hands. Strangely, I'm okau with this
I went to a party last night....I stole all of their ornaments and the toaster oven.
I should have known when she said it would be "fun" we'd end up in the hospital
You ate all the burritos in sight....I cant take you to mexican restaurants anymore
You’ll (maybe) appreciate that I picked at my ingrown hair again. Quarantine updates are getting BLEAK.
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