we're getting ready to take strippers to breakfast. I love my life.
I just saw a kid walk into class with his dad. Fuck his life.
Now we are really drunk and her 17 yr old cousin is shitfaced. He may or may not have proposed a toast to octopuses and double fisting. And we just drank to Mexico.
They just came out of my bathroom and asked if I could spare them a condom. See. Its a good thing I have some.
We got to the party at eleven, and the host was already in the hospital from being stabbed. And she brought the stabber home with us when we left.
ur not supposed to find someone to make out with when ur bf takes u to his SISTERS house to hang out with her and her husband
i know you're at the dentist, but this dick pic was too phenominal to wait and i deserve immediate tit compensation
The guy who bit me so hard two nights ago that I had to put Neosporin on my nipple and the guy in my bed right now are two different people. Help
And now whenever I see a documentary about dolphins, I think about sex, which is super weird
He found his first fuckbuddy I'm so proud I feel like making him a card or something
When she said "Tighten your safety belt and hold on!", that should have been a clear sign to me that one should never go off-roading in a rental car. On the bright side, they were able to tow her car out the next morning.
Just spent the morning washing Bailey's and Guiness out of my clothes -_-
You have to give it to him that he fucked me out of the dull weekdays.
we promised ourselves we wouldn't get too drunk, and what happens? I wake up the next morning with half a mcdouble in one pocket and some barbie clothes in the other.
are you inviting me to ice cream?
the subtext of everything i say to you is inviting you to ice cream
Randomize
