genius alert. I just invented a contraption made of toilet paper and rubber bands that makes it so your balls don't stick to your leg when you wake up from sleeping. I call it, The Balldozer
So this text is costing me two dollars because I'm out of the country, but I just wanted to let you know it went well with the stripper last night
i'm so high that for the last 10 minutes i pretened my sock was a mouse, and played with it like it was legit.
FYI, when you wake up, please note that I puked in your shoes because I sstubbed my tooee, not becus I was drunk.
How in the hell did I take a shot of whiskey to the eyeball last night?
There are apples in the microwave and a cup of twigs in the fridge. I think she's hiding in the pantry, I can hear her giggling. Leaving her to it.
This guy just told me he wanted to bathe in bong water with me and then tried to lick my nipple through my bra. This could be love.
If it looks really sketchy and smells like burnt pizza and pot you're in the right place
The number of injuries I get impersonating Shakira while drunk is getting ridiculous. Sprained vagina, dude.
You don't have a penis so I'm not texting you at this hour. This is penis texting hour only.
Just once, I'd like to make it to my first wedding anniversary for a change.
Is it fucked up to venmo someone for plan-b?
You are ridiculously similar to a unicorn, and I want to fuck that unicorn.
The lady at the front desk wished you a happy hangover.
And you tried to get me to have sex with you in our Harry potter closet lol
Randomize
