my grand plan for the evening is to do shots of vodka til i cant anymore
he just told me about his fetish for rubbing grape jelly on his penis.
Would you let Jessica Biel poop in front of you to see her naked...but you have to wipe her too?
i am making flyers for the homeless letting them know about free chipolte day
i went to throw her on my bed and threw her straight in to my bike
Just got new surround sound speakers for my computer... I feel like I'm actually IN the porn now.
Burger king has cupcake flavored milkshakes. God dammit America.
Miss Michigan hasn't even been Miss USA for 24hrs and already stripper pole pics are surfacing. Classy.
Hey its the Filipino guy from last night. I just wanted to say sorry my friend bled all over your driveway. Great party though.
My roommate is trying to suck beer out of the rug.
I made friends with the delivery guy because he had beautiful dread locks and was a Zelda fan. He texted me after he left saying he wasn't trying to be creepy but we should be friends. We're hanging out tomorrow.
How does this kind of shit happen to you?!
To be honest I've become too lazy for the work involved in getting laid.
You run marathons and you're too lazy for sex? Priorities, man.
Touche.
This electrician is just ripping my house apart and I'm too hungover to ask questions
Just when I thought I was growing up, I go out and TOTALLY REDEEM MYSELF
You have more time for sex than anyone I know.
Randomize
