My little sister just found a condom in her bag i borrowed... Happy fourteenth birthday.
Blowing lines off from the book where the wild things are... bad babysitter?
I wish there was a "friends who have gained the most weight since high school" filter on facebook for when I am feeling fat.
Yeah, we spent most of the evening making fun of the drunk girl until we realized it was you.
Well, McDonalds 'escorted' me out after I passed out mid-order
So ive narrowed my options down to getting food or masturbating. Don't judge me
Every girl my sister has brought home from college I've had sex with, check and mate motherfucker
Apparently my Ambien addled brain last night actually did decide to go ahead and photoshop you into various animal and human molesting scenarios. That's a hell of a thing to wake up to.
You let someone poor beer into my mouth off of a balcony. Best friend test failed.
Haahahahahahhaaa
In other news: I massively over-caffeinated this morning. Everything is vibrating and I can SEE THROUGH TIME
THIS THING HATES MY LIVER
You drunk-dialed me and asked me to describe my burrito
He's got a beautiful penis, I can't lie
Last night when we were having sex he put the condom on backwards the first time. While he was putting the second one on I blew up the first one, made it into a balloon and hit him in the head with it. I think we're over the honeymoon stage.
I'm cuddly bitch. Deal with it.
Randomize
