Please tell me you saw the asian lady with the medical mask on cutting her lawn with scissors.
no jill really. Evrything around me is talking to me. The plant, my dog, the tv,the lamp. Its amazing.
No its cool I don't even have to do anything he is rapping to one of the strippers. He is punishing himself enough.
You tried to convince me you were sober by doing jumping jacks. For an hour.
Just woke up to the best idea ever. Vodka infused BUTTER. Take a second, and think of the possibilities.
I shame-fucked to Hotel California, don't tell me about priorities.
Sorry for all the texts. I got wasted and woke up at the foot of a staircase. From what I can gather, I fell down it.
Reading an example in the GRE study book referencing Teenage Mutant Ninja Turtles while wearing TMNT pajamas. *airfist*
omg please tell me you're eating pizza right now too.
The only thing that got me through this hellish day was imagining a large Swedish penis inside of me.
What did your vagina DO during the nhl lockout?!
Americans.
I can still be you friend and be there for you. And sometimes get drunk and fuck you.
I'm allotting you four buildings to piss on tonight. Choose wisely.
Do you think you could cook pancakes while i blow you?
So I missed the eclipse because I was masturbating.
Just shaved my balls on a moving train. By far the most dangerous stunt I've ever pulled
His ass is a ten, but his personality is a two. Which would average to a six if I didn't have to figure in apologizing to all and sundry. In short hard no. Get a new wingman.
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