the stripper made me go home becuz she had to take her kid to a birthday party in the morning
i scrubbed and i scrubbed and i scrubbed and i still was a whore
i just put a booger in my mom's hair and i just needed to tell someone.
we just plugged the camera up to the big screen. would you like to come see what you did last night, in high definition?
Just faked two orgasms bc I had too much wine and remembered mid sex that I bought doritos yesterday.
I think im gonna bang this 35 year old at a kids birthday party in the bathroom at this house while the kids open the presents.
We enjoyed our moment of partial gayness together
I sent him a bunch of texts telling him that his beard wasn't long enough yet so we couldn't fuck and to text me back in a few hours if it had.
She just shoved like three McNuggets in her mouth and started sobbing and I have no idea what's going on.
she's the poster child for how alcoholism can be fun.
What's the best day of the week to potentially find out you're pregnant with your ex's baby?
She's so nice... She deserves all the dicks.
Did my extra credit for a class I badly need to pass at the bar of Friday's.. kind of sum's up my college career. Got a 90 though.
million dollar idea: razor dispensers in bar bathrooms. your welcome, girls who didn't think they were getting laid tonight.
outside on the street drinkin, walked into a random house and asked to pee, some kid hands me a beer and says i have to chug it first
Randomize
