fyi, take the long route to the library. the "can i be your baby daddy?" homeless man migrated back for winter
Just ducktaped my beer to my bike. See you in ten.
it's like heaven, but drunker
Tell me right now I did the right thing by not fucking my sick gf at 3 am with her family home... Tell me my balls hurt for noble reasons.
Do you think if you have sex with a girl twin, her twin brother feels it to? Woke up at her house and they both have a look of disappointment on their faces.
is year to celebrate how much I love you, I made a mosaic of your penis with conversation hearts. it's in your mailbox.\n\nHAPPY VALENTINE'S DAY TO YOU
The last text I sent him was about nachos. Frankly, if he can't respond positively to that he can fuck off...
Two words that describe last night: naked and backflips.
Why is it so hot and why are these the only pants in my life.
Probably not well advised, but you're welcome to stop by if your not ready to end your night. You know, for Thanksgiving's sake.
Apparently coming home smelling like I took a bath in beer is frowned upon in this household. I'm so glad I don't actually live here.
And now you know why we call him Three-Balls Brad
there is a guy with a glowstick staff outside my house
My brother is so high right now he's eating frozen peas and called them "fucking delightful"
I woke up to rachel asking "did anyone else fall out of a tree last night?"
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